The Host Chapter 27: Undecided

I mat up my delegacy impaleward to my prison house hole.It had been weeks and weeks since Id been down this particular corridor I hadnt been back since the morning after Ja ruddy had remaining throw and Jeb had set me free. It seemed to me that musical composition I lived and Jared was in the caves, this must be w here(predicate) I belonged. there was no dim light to greet me instantly. I was fair sure I was in the last leg-the plications and twists were still vaguely beaten(prenominal). I permit my remaining stack drag against the w all in all as pitiable as I could reach, feeling for the opening as I crept preceding. I wasnt decided on crawling back in perspective the cramped hole, be attitudes at least it would give me a reference signify, letting me polish off do that I was where I meant to be.As it happened, I didnt nominate the option of inhabiting my cell again.In the same act that my fingers brushed the irritable edge at the top of the hole, my foot h it an obstacle and I stumbled, falling to my knees. I threw my deals expose to catch myself, and they landed with a crunch and a crackle, breaking finished something that wasnt rock and didnt belong here.The proceed startled me the unanticipated object f regenerateened me. Perhaps Id made a wrong turn and wasnt anywhere near my hole. Perhaps I was in some iodins living space. I ran through the memory of my recent journey in my passing, wondering how I could have gotten so turned ab let on. Meanwhile, I listened for some reaction to my crashing fall, retentiveness absolutely still in the tailness.There was nonhing-no reaction, no sound. It was only calamitous and stuffy and humid, as it al modalitys was, and so silent that I knew I must be al genius.Carefully, screening to make as little dissonance as possible, I took stock of my surroundings.My hands were stuck in something. I pulled them free, examine the contours of what felt like a composition board box-a cardboard box with a sheet of thin, crackly plastic on top that my hands had fallen through. I felt near inside the box and plunge a stage of more crackly plastic-small rectangles that made a lot of noise when I handled them. I retreated quickly, afraid of drawing attention to myself.I remembered that Id belief Id found the top of the hole. I searched to my left and found more stacks of cardboard squares on that side. I tried to find the top of the stack and had to leap off in order to do so-it was as high as my head. I searched until I found the wall, and and then the hole, fairish where Id thought it was. I tried to climb in to ascertain if it really was the same place-one second on that bowed floor and I would have sex it for certain-but I could non pose any off the beaten track(predicate)ther than the opening. It, too, was crammed full of boxes.Stymied, I explored with my hands, moving back step up into the hall. I found I could go no deeper down the thoroughfare it was en tirely filled with the mysterious cardboard squares.As I run along the floor, seek to picture, I found something different from the crowd of boxes. It was rough fabric, like burlap, a sack full of something sober that shifted with a tranquilize hissing sound when I nudged it. I kneaded the sack with my hands, less alarm by the low hiss than by the plastic crackle-it seemed unlikely that this sound would alert anyone to my presence.Suddenly, it all came clear. It was the smell that did it. As I played with the sand-like stuff inside the start, I got an unexpected whiff of a familiar scent. It took me back to my bare kitchen in San Diego, to the low cupboard on the left side of the sink. In my head I could see so clearly the bag of uncooked strain, the plastic measuring cup I used to pogey it out, the rows of thunder mugned food behind itOnce I realized that I was touching a bag of rice, I understood. I was in the discipline place after all. Hadnt Jeb say they used this p lace for storage? And hadnt Jared precisely returned from a long raid? Now e verything the raiders had stolen in the weeks theyd been gone was dumped in this out-of-the-way place until it could be used.Many thoughts ran through my head at formerly.First, I realized that I was surrounded by food. Not bonny rough bread and weak onion soup, but food. Somewhere in this stack, there could be peanut butter. Chocolate chip cookies. Potato chips. Cheetos. eventide as I imagined finding these things, tasting them again, being full for the starting line time since Id left civilization, I felt guilty for come backing of it. Jared hadnt risked his liveness and spent weeks hiding and stealing to feed me. This food was for others.I withal worried that perhaps this wasnt the entire haul. What if they had more boxes to stow? Would Jared and Kyle be the ones to shoot down them? It didnt take any imagination at all to picture the face that would result if they found me here. yet wasnt that w hy I was here? Wasnt that exactly what Id needed to be alone to think about?I slouched against the wall. The rice bag made a decent pillow. I closed my eyes-unnecessary in the inky darkness-and settled in for a consultation.Okay, Mel. What now?I was joyous to find that she was still awake and alert. Opposition brought out her strength. It was only when things were exhalation well that she drifted away.Priorities, she decided. Whats most important to us? Staying alive? Or Jamie?She knew the answer. Jamie, I affirmed, sighing out loud. The sound of my breather whispered back from the black walls.Agreed. We could plausibly last awhile if we let Jeb and Ian protect us. Will that help him?Maybe. Would he be more hurt if we just gave up? Or if we let this drag on, only to have it end badly, which seems inevitable?She didnt like that. I could feel her scrambling around, searching for alternatives.Try to escape? I suggested.Unlikely, she decided. Besides, what would we do out there? Wha t would we tell them?We imagined it together-how would I explain my months of absence? I could lie, make up some alternative story, or say I didnt remember. But I thought of the Seekers s unbrokenical face, her bulging eyes bright with suspicion, and knew my feckless attempts at subterfuge would fail.Theyd think I took over, Melanie agreed. so theyd take you out and put her in.I squirmed, as if a new position on the rock floor would take me further away from the idea, and shuddered. Then I followed the thought to its conclusion. Shed tell them about this place, and the Seekers would come.The horror washed through us.Right, I continued. So escape is out.Right, she whispered, emotion making her thought unstable.So the conclusion is quick or slow. Which hurts him less?It seemed that as long as I focused on practicalities I could keep at least my side of the discussion numbly businesslike. Melanie tried to mimic my effort.Im not sure. On the one hand, logically, the longer the three of us are together, the harder our separation would be for him. Then again, if we didnt fight, if we just gave up he wouldnt like that. Hed feel betrayed by us.I looked at both sides shed presented, trying to be rational about it.So quick, but we have to do our best not to die?Go down fighting, she affirmed grimly.Fighting. Fabulous. I tried to imagine that-meeting violence with violence. breeding my hand to strike someone. I could form the words but not the mental picture.You can do it, she encouraged. Ill help you.Thanks, but no thanks. There has to be some other way.I dont get you, Wanda. Youve given up on your species entirely, youre ready to die for my brother, youre in love with the gentleman I love who is going to go through us, and yet you wont let go of tradition that are entirely impractical here.I am who I am, Mel. I cant change that, though everything else may change. You hold on to yourself allow me to do the same.But if were going to She would have continued to arg ue with me, but we were interrupted. A scuffing sound, shoe against rock, echoed from somewhere back down the corridor.I froze-every function of my personify arrested but my heart, and even that faltered jaggedly-and listened. I didnt have long to hope that Id just imagined the sound. Within seconds, I could hear more quiet footsteps coming this way.Melanie kept her cool, whereas I was lost to panic.Get on your feet, she ordered.Why?You wont fight, but you can run. You have to try something-for Jamie.I started breathing again, keeping it quiet and shallow. Slowly, I rolled forward till I was on the balls of my feet. Adrenaline coursed through my muscles, making them tingle and flex. I would be faster than most who would try to catch me, but where would I run to?Wanda? someone whispered quietly. Wanda? are you here? Its me.His voice broke, and I knew him.Jamie I rasped. What are you doing? I told you I needed to be alone.Relief was plain in his voice, which he now raised from the w hisper. Everybody is looking for you. Well, you know, Trudy and Lily and Wes-that everybody. Only were not suppositious(p) to let anyone know thats what were doing. No one is supposed to guess that youre missing. Jebs got his gun again. Ians with Doc. When Docs free, hell talk to Jared and Kyle. Everybody listens to Doc. So you dont have to hide. Everybodys reside, and youre probably tiredAs Jamie explained, he continued forward until his fingers found my arm, and then my hand.Im not really hiding, Jamie. I told you I had to think.You could think with Jeb there, right?Where do you destiny me to go? Back to Jareds room? This is where Im supposed to be. Not anymore. The familiar stubborn edge entered his voice.Why is everyone so busy? I asked to distract him. Whats Doc doing?My attempt was unsuccessful he didnt answer. subsequently a minute of silence, I touched his cheek. Look, you should be with Jeb. Tell the others to tour looking for me. Ill just hang out here for a while.You cant sopor here.I have originally.I felt his head shake in my hand.Ill go get mats and pillows, at least.I dont need more than one.Im not hold fasting with Jared while hes being such a jerk.I groaned internally. Then you stay with Jeb and his snores. You belong with them, not with me.I belong wherever I want to be.The threat of Kyle finding me here was heavy on my mind. But that contention would only make Jamie feel responsible for protecting me.Fine, but you have to get Jebs permission.Later. Im not going to bug Jeb tonight.What is Jeb doing?Jamie didnt answer. It was only at that point I realized he had deliberately not answered my question the maiden time. There was something he didnt want to tell me. Maybe the others were busy trying to find me, too. Maybe Jareds homecoming had returned them to their original opinion about me. It had seemed that way in the kitchen, when theyd hung their heads and eyed me with furtive guilt.Whats going on, Jamie? I pressed.Im not supposed t o tell you, he muttered. And Im not going to. His arms wrapped plasteredly around my waist, and his face pressed against my berm. Everything is going to be all right, he promised me, his voice thick.I patted his back and ran my fingers through his tangled mane. Okay, I said, agreeing to strike his silence. After all, I had my secrets, too, didnt I? Dont be upset, Jamie. Whatever it is, it will all work out for the best. Youre going to be fine. As I said the words, I willed them to be true.I dont know what to hope for, he whispered.As I stared into the dark at nothing in particular, trying to understand what he wouldnt say, a faint glow caught my eye at the far end of the hallway-dim but conspicuous in the black cave.Shhh, I breathed. psyche is coming. Quick, hide behind the boxes.Jamies head snapped up, toward the yellow light that was getting brighter by the second. I listened for the accompanying footsteps but comprehend nothing.Im not going to hide, he breathed. Get behind m e, Wanda.NoJamie Jared shouted. I know youre back hereMy legs felt hollow, numb. Did it have to be Jared? It would be so much easier for Jamie if Kyle were the one to kill me.Go away Jamie shouted back.The yellow light sped up and turned into a circle on the far wall.Jared stalked around the corner, the flashlight in his hand sweeping back and forth crosswise the rock floor. He was clean again, wearing a faded red shirt I recognized-it had hung in the room where Id lived for weeks and so was a familiar sight. His face was also familiar-it wore exactly the same expression it had since the first moment Id shown up here.The beam of the flashlight hit my face and blinded me I knew the light reflected brilliantly off the silver behind my eyes, because I felt Jamie jump-just a little start, and then he set himself more hard than before.Get away from it Jared roared.Shut up Jamie yelled back. You dont know her cast off her aloneHe clung to me while I tried to unlock his hands.Jared came on like a charging bull. He grabbed the back of Jamies shirt with one hand and yanked him away from me. He held on to his handful of fabric, shaking the boy while he yelled.Youre being an idiot Cant you see how its using you?Instinctively, I shoved myself into the tight space between them. As Id intended, my advance made him drop Jamie. I didnt want or need what else happened-the way his familiar smell assaulted my senses, the way the contours of his chest felt under my hands.Leave Jamie alone, I said, wishing for once that I could be more like Melanie wanted me to be-that my hands could be hard now, that my voice could be strong.He snatched my wrists in one hand and used this leverage to hurl me away from him, into the wall. The impact caught me by surprise, knocked the breath out of me. I rebounded off the stone wall to the floor, landing in the boxes again, making another crinkly crash as I sliced through more cellophane.The pulse thudded in my head as I lay awkwardly bent over t he boxes, and for a moment, I precept strange lights pass in appear of my eyes.Coward Jamie screamed at Jared. She wouldnt hurt you to spell her own life Why cant you leave her alone?I heard the boxes shifting and felt Jamies hands on my arm. Wanda? Are you okay, Wanda?Fine, I huffed, ignoring the hurt in my head. I could see his anxious face hovering over me in the glow of the flashlight, which Jared must have dropped. You should go now, Jamie, I whispered. Run.Jamie shook his head fiercely.Stay away from it Jared bellowed.I watched as Jared grabbed Jamies shoulders and yanked the boy up from his crouch. The boxes this displaced knock down on me like a small avalanche. I rolled away, diligence my head with my arms. A heavy one caught me right between the shoulder blades, and I cried out in pain.Stop hurting her Jamie howled.There was a sharp crack, and someone gasped.I struggled to pull myself out from under the heavy carton, rising up on my elbows dizzily.Jared had one hand over his nose, and something dark was oozing down over his lips. His eyes were wide with surprise. Jamie stood in front of him with both hands clenched into fists, a furious scowl on his face.Jamies scowl melted slowly while Jared stared at him in shock. injustice took its place-hurt and a betrayal so deep that it rivaled Jareds expression in the kitchen.You arent the man I thought you were, Jamie whispered. He looked at Jared as though Jared were very far away, as if there were a wall between them and Jamie was suddenly isolated on his side.Jamies eyes started to swim, and he turned his head, ashamed of display weakness in front of Jared. He walked away with quick, jerky send awayments.We tried, Melanie thought sadly. Her heart ached after the child, even as she longed for me to return my eyes to the man. I gave her what she wanted.Jared wasnt looking at me. He was staring at the blackness into which Jamie had disappeared, his hand still covering his nose.Aw, damn it he suddenl y shouted. Jamie Get back hereThere was no answer.Jared threw one bleak glance in my direction-I cringed away, though his fury seemed to have faded-then scooped up the flashlight and stomped after Jamie, recoil a box out of his way.Im sorry, okay? Dont cry, kid He called out more angry apologies as he turned the corner and left me lying in the darkness.For a long moment, it was all I could do to breathe. I concentrated on the air flowing in, then out, then in. After I felt I had that part mastered, I worked on getting up off the floor. It took a few seconds to remember how to move my legs, and even then they were shaky and threatened to collapse under me, so I sat against the wall again, sliding over till I found my rice-filled pillow. I slumped there and took stock of my condition.Nothing was broken-except maybe Jareds nose. I shook my head slowly. Jamie and Jared should not be fighting. I was causing them so much turmoil and unhappiness. I sighed and went back to my assessment. T here was a vast sore spot in the center of my back, and the side of my face felt raw and moist where it had hit the wall. It stung when I touched it and left warm fluid on my fingers. That was the worst of it, though. The other bruises and scrapes were mild.As I realized that, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by relief.I was alive. Jared had had his chance to kill me and he had not used it. Hed gone after Jamie instead, to make things right between them. So whatever damage I was doing to their relationship, it was probably not irreparable.It had been a long day-the day had already been long even before Jared and the others had shown up, and that seemed like eons ago. I closed my eyes where I was and fell hibernating(prenominal) on the rice.